Grasping My Identity

Self-identification issues I believe, are extremely common among people of mixed races and or people of color. Most people suffer in silence, and these issues often times are misunderstood and swept under the rug. Till this day I dread the question "where are you from?" Everywhere you go things are categorized, race, skin color ethnicity, gender, social class, sexual orientation, marital status, the list goes on and on. Society has made it so that if you don't fit into their categories you are an outlier, abnormal you just don't fit in.  

My mom of Haitian descent was very proud of her race and tried to incorporate it as much as she could. My dad not so much, he avoided everything that had to do with being black, he instilled it into my sister and I. Growing up we were not allowed to learn Haitian creole. (A patois of broken french) His reasoning was because he did not want us to get it confused with our first language, French. He wanted us to be "educated" and speak French and Spanish only. As if Haitian-creole was degrading and not spoken among educated people. So here I was fluent in French and Spanish but could not speak a word of my mother's native tongue. How was I suppose to communicate with my maternal grandparents? 

Eventually I started going through puberty this is when it hit me the most! I began to realize that I was different, I didn't look like most people in either side of my family. I was either a lot darker or some what lighter than everyone. See there is an ideology that  makes Haitians and Dominicans rivals.  Me my entire existence is conflicted, one half of me hates the other half of me! The ideology is that Haitians don't like Dominicans for "miss treating their people, and racism due to their skin complexion". Dominicans "don't like the fact that Haitians are coming into their half of the island and using their limited resources." I use these quotations loosely not offend either parties. 

I could be extra Hispanic at one my cousins house and eat  mangú and salami jam to reggaeton and dance merengue but at my other cousins house we danced to zouk and kompa and we did not mention anything about Dominicans or the mood will change, and the bashing of races will start. 

I was darker than some of my cousins why was my curls not as loose as some of my cousins. I started to feel not as beautiful as my light skinned cousins. I had a hard time understanding and appreciating who I was, I had a hard time grasping my complete identity. The media did not help either, light skinned women are usually glorified where darker skin women were shunned. I've heard all sorts of things like, "you're pretty for a black girl." You have "good hair for a black girl" . "You're the darkest girl I'd ever date" "You'd be prettier if you were fully Dominican".

During adolescence, I began to disassociate with my "black side", I never completely fit in with the black girls at school, though we had some common interest, I could never fully relate, and same for the Latina girls at school, we had common interest but because I didn't look like them it was also hard to relate. I never formed full meaningful relationships with people my age outside of my family.  People would have a hard time believing I was part afro-latina, I get weird stares when I speak Spanish in public. If I told someone I was Haitian, I would get weird responses like, "but you don't look Haitian". Oh and God forbid I told someone I'm from France I'd be called a liar. 

The media is so stuck on fitting us into categories and social "norms" that we are not keeping up with this generation's demographics, we are all practically mixed with something. In 2017 5.6% of Americans identified themselves as biracial, compared to the 2.9% in the 2000 census!

After many years of self conflict I began soul searching, I decided to cut off my hair and start fresh. It wasn't till I joined the "natural hair trend" and completely chopped off my hair in 2014 that I began to appreciate myself for who I as was, and acknowledge myself as a whole. I surprised everyone with my big chop May of 2014 when I got home my mom looked at me and said, "wow' you look like a black girl, what will the people at work think?" At the time I worked at a high end retail store, where brand standards and appearance was very important. I thought about it for a few seconds and I answered her, I am, and I don't care! 

The more my hair grew the more my curls became define the more appreciative I became. Some areas of my hair had supper tight curls where other areas had loser curls, It was just all over the place, like me. Something so simple as my hair in it's natural state allowed me to appreciate myself, as a whole, without any excuses. I may be a product of hate. Two countries that can not resolve a deep underlying issue. But that does not mean I have to carry the weight.

I wish I can get back all the years that I felt uncomfortable in my skin, all the years where I felt like I did not fit in. All the years where I felt conflicted and misrepresented. I am Haitian but I am also Dominican and I am French. Like my hair, I am bold, I am different, I am unique and I cant always be straightened to fit society's "norms"